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Poetry Friday - A Secret

3/10/2017

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In her eighth poem of the series, poet Brenda McDonald describes what it's like to carry the burden of a secret. For many one's secret may be their mental illness, their suicidal thoughts, or their struggles with substance abuse and addiction. As Brenda beautifully alludes to, having such a secret can be immensely painful; however, there is light, hope, and relief when one is able to release this darkness by finding someone who they feel safe to share it with. 


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Poetry Friday - What It Feels Like to Live With Multiple Mental Illnesses

3/3/2017

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In this poem, Anna Lente, poet, artist, and The Mighty contributor, helps us to grasp a little understanding of what it's like for individuals who suffer from multiple mental health disorders such as anxiety and bipolar disorder.

"... Another day Mania spins me in circles,
My mind leaping to dizzying heights,
Spiraling flights of thoughts,
Dangerous impulses,
While I use every bit of my inner strength to
Sit and stay,
Waiting for the eventual
Crash back into depression.
Then crawling out from depression
Back to something akin to normal.


Some days loud, crowded spaces trigger panic attacks.
I enter rooms looking for empty corners and exit signs.
I enter conversations listening for pauses so I can escape.
A panic attack means a quick retreat
To the safe space of my car,
The comfort of my home.
I cover myself in blankets
In the comfortable cocoon of my recliner,
Listen to my favorite songs on repeat,
Tell myself everything will be OK..."


To read the full poem, visit:
https://themighty.com/2017/03/poem-living-with-multiple-mental-illnesses/


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Poetry Friday - Be True

8/11/2016

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In her seventh poem of the series, poet Brenda McDonald describes how for a long time she struggled with a sense of failure at not being strong enough or working hard enough to overcome mental illness. However, Brenda later discovered that by eliminating the pressure on oneself and removing "should" from your vocabulary, she was able to focus more on self-care and self-love which was monumental in her recovery.

BE TRUE
I should
And I would if I could
But I can't or can I
Guilt for won't instead of will
Try harder why don't you
Success for do instead of me
Am I not enough
Right now or not yet
Till I change
I should
And I would if I could...

What if I got rid of should
I'm okay, me right now
Let go of would and could
Free myself from guilt
Embrace the 'I am' today
Release the weight of 'I do'
Be open to my strengths
Feel my heart cheer me on
See the beauty of my mind
Listen to my soul's nudges
To choose, I'll try, for me, be true.

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Poetry Friday - Loneliness 

8/4/2016

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In her sixth poem, poet Brenda McDonald exquisitely describes the isolation and loneliness that those who live with depression often experience, in addition to their hope for recovery and brighter days that often lays hidden beneath the surface.




​
Loneliness
Loneliness

Enters my impressionable mind as just a feeling
Explodes inward to become a defining feature

Loneliness
Spreads to my sensitive heart with a vengeance
Steals self-compassion with reckless abandon

Loneliness
Strangles my caring soul with penetrating grip
Tries desperately to mute the voice of self-love

Loneliness
Catapults me to an imaginary island of intimidating isolation
Whisks me away from any source of help, support, love

Loneliness
Robs me of faith to trust in the goodness of God, for me
Manipulates my personal understanding of prayer and peace

Loneliness
Welcomes anxiety and depression to facilitate alienation
Delights in my whole body descending deeper into abyss

Loneliness
Creates a substantial barrier of darkness to shut out life's light
Blends long, sun-starved days into even longer starless nights

Loneliness
Grows seeds of unworthiness that sprout and take over like weeds
Circulates paralysing hopelessness around like continuous gust of wind

Loneliness
Covers my weak being with cumbersome blanket of self-judgement
Laps up my essence with its harsh tongue, leaving only empty bowl

Loneliness
Creates illusion I'm invisible with no one to reverse the magic trick
Changes shape of my puzzle piece so no longer fit in with all the normal
ones

Loneliness
Weakens my physical and mental energy to persevere no matter what
Bundles up heavy thoughts and hurls them at me in rapid succession

Loneliness
Hides in background when I'm out and about, engaged and sharing smiles
Moves to the forefront once alone; left sad, crying, searching for
understanding

Loneliness
Prevents me from thriving in my vulnerability and courage to really live
Collects fragments of fear and doubt, magnifying them to obsessive capacity

Loneliness
Questions the likelihood someone would love me enough to be my close friend
Convinces me I am meant to go it alone, away from nurturing hugs and kind
words

Loneliness
Swallows up my essence, my potential, my dreams... with its all-consuming
ways
Pushes my heart, mind and soul further away from recovery and revitalization

Loneliness
Only a word until infused with personal meaning
Only a feeling but perceived as fact
Only, only....is there hope?

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Poetry Friday - Free Falling

7/14/2016

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In her fifth poem, poet Brenda McDonald beautifully illustrates and describes the experience of #depression, and the associated feelings of falling, loneliness and hopelessness, as well as lightly touching on the stigma surrounding #mentalhealth.






​
Free Falling
Life is full of highs and lows, happy and sad, give and take, you and me

But what if life takes my breath away and doesn't give it back...?
The mental health struggles become like mountains that continue to rise
For some, suicide may feel like the one and only way to deal with the pain
But what if I feel like I am free falling with absolutely no end in sight?

Farther and farther away from help, support, love and hope
Like a bird swooping precariously downward, having lost its wings to
redirect
Imagine going down a roller coaster without screams of excitement
Or bungee jumping off a tall bridge without a surge of exhilaration
Only feelings of despair prevail, lost to yourself and the world around you
Plunge without knowing if there will be anyone or anything to save you

Wanting to live, but not sure how to stop the advancing train of
hopelessness
Heading right for you, whistle blowing, scaring the crap out of mind and
body

Pretending to be fine, smiling and laughing, when I'm crying huge tears
inside
Thought-sucking Gremlins surround, attack and win without any moral
hesitation
The only person that really knows my truths, sees me once/week for an hour
Still I have untold secrets churning around inside, pleading to be let out
and shared

Not easy to open up about depression and anxiety, too much stigma to risk
much
Strong but weak, healthy but ill, outgoing but lonely, energetic but
lethargic

Who will hold my hand to comfort me, stay by my side, when blinding darkness
pervades?
Wearing a concealed suit of emotional armour, how do I allow love's power to
tear it off me?
Oh how I long to feel genuinely loved, believe that I'm loveable, it's vital
to my survival

Perched on an illusory cloud in the vast sky above, I look down with
trepidation and wonder
What is it like to live with purpose, direction, self-worth and a sense of
belonging?
I see people embracing light, hugging each other, singing with joy, letting
go and living
Our world has room for everyone, so why do I feel like there is no room for
someone like me?

One personal journey but many pathways, some old and some new, uncertainty
rules
Who will guide me down an undiscovered trail when I become paralysed with
fear and worry?

Life is full of smooth and rough, dreams and reality, chocolate and Brussels
sprouts
But what if life takes my spirited vitality away and doesn't give it
back...?
The mental health struggles become like oceans that continue to widen
For some, suicide may feel like the one and only way to deal with the pain
But what if I feel like I am free falling with absolutely no end in sight?

Questions come easily to me but answers not so much
Sitting by the edge, I ponder....

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Poetry Friday - It Must Be Hard For You

5/6/2016

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In her fourth poem, "It Must Be Hard For You", Brenda McDonald speaks to the value and significance of others, whether it be a physician, therapist, loved one or friend, lending a listening ear and recognizing and validating their experiences and emotions. 





​
It Must Be Hard For You
"It must be hard for you..."
Putting recognition and words to the struggle
Not feeling sorry for me
I don't feel sorry for me
Just letting me know you realize
It's difficult to live with mental illness
It's a step towards understanding
Try this therapy or maybe that one?
What about this medication or that?
I appreciate the years of research 
Developing ways to help treat
But first, thank you for recognizing
"It must be hard for you..."

Remembering and focusing on positive times
Not easy to do right now
Life is so very challenging 
Negatives have more volume and control
Certainly want to tip the teeter totter down
Down towards improved mental health
Takes lots of energy to push away negative weight
Negative weight of demoralizing self-chatter
Get it off its comfortable seat, push, pierce, pounce
So the teeter totter can tip down towards encouraging positives
I know, only I know what it's like to be me but
"It must be hard for you..." 

It's like a pause before the attack
Attack to fight the demons so that I can live
Live life as I’m meant to
Without the steel chains of anxiety and depression
Holding me face down to the ground
Who really cares, I don't matter anyway
Knowing I am loved, supported and valued
By others but also myself
Can loosen the chains, make life more rewarding
Many things in life are hard, some obvious
Mental illness is often hidden and overwhelming
"It must be hard for you..."

Imagine what it would be like to live with a wild mind
Mind taking you to places you don't want to go
Telling you untruths, put downs, nonsense
Making you behave in ways you don’t want to
Rituals again, worry more, fatigue always
Leaving you with feelings you don't want to have
Resentment, irritability, frustration, confusion
Please feel free to express your emotions around me
Tears of compassion, it's ok to cry
Smiles of connection, we all need that
Respectful humour can reroute misty eyes into laughter
Oh, how I need to laugh more
"It must be hard for you..."

Not looking to be fixed or cured
I am looking for healing, guidance, direction
Tired of the guilt, shame, blame cast on myself
By myself, over and over daily, let me breathe
Everyone has a story to tell, listen one and all
Hope is in every soul, let it out to permeate
Permeate through one's heart and mind
Feeling hopeless takes away, never gives
But it is real for many
"It must be hard for you..."

Thank you
Putting words and recognition to the struggle
Means a lot to me



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Poetry Friday - Therapy

4/15/2016

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In her third poem, poet Brenda McDonald shares her experiences of being in therapy for her anxiety and depression, highlighting the importance of human connection, of empathy, of support, and of having a safe space to try and work through the confusion and internal turmoil. 


​
Therapy
Open door, closed door

Same place each week
Share what is deep down
Someone who listens to me

Connection is vital to healing
Kindness and empathy, thank you
I try to embrace all that is said
Gremlins don't allow, so sorry

Vulnerable within the four walls
Time is up, I must leave
Back to being alone
No one to lean on

What does it take to believe
Back and forth talk ends too soon
Internal tears flow freely afterwards
Only temporary safe place

Lost, what should I do
Words don't always explain
Between the cracks, looking up
Trapped in my struggling mind

Time drifts by as I think
Ruminate, round and round
Rituals steal hours from me
Give me back my sanity

Falling down the hole
Deeper into the ground
Light is getting dimmer
Reach out, I need help

Life is good, why do I suffer
Stomach wrenched, pain
Anxious, who really knows me
Too complicated, many directions

Heaviness of soul, hopeless of heart
Help me know you care, I'm broken
Love is as necessary to life as breath
Where is my self-love, stop the voices

Hide behind the mask, who am I
Without illness, would I exist
Held down with chains of fear
Why does loneliness infiltrate me

Other people live their lives
I observe, I dream, I wish
Will tomorrow be any different
Back to the four walls

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Poetry Friday - What Does That Mean To You?

4/8/2016

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In her second poem "What Does That Mean To You", poet Brenda McDonald, shares some powerful thoughts about mental illness, including how mental health conditions do not discriminate. In addition, Brenda's poem is a reminder to us all that mental illness does not define an individual, and that by continuing to talk about mental health and by being empathetic and understanding we can really help support those suffering with mental health conditions.

What Does That Mean To You?
"Person with mental illness"
What does that mean to you?
Can I be a leader, specialist, educator
And have that label too?

No one is immune from the piercing claws of depression
Life-altering anxiety cripples one's mind. apprehensive intrusion
Money, education and career don't protect from mental health concerns
Suicide claims our loved ones lives; no gender, age, social or cultural
exclusion

I have mental health issues
But 'who I am' is so much more
I'm not my depression or my anxiety
Look to my heart, my soul, my core

Value experience and education together
Each one of us, we are unique but united
Take time for and learn from one another
Real face to face time, human contact ignited

Listen openly to what I am saying
Show me, I need to know you care,
Being vulnerable is a place to start
To reduce stigma, we must share

Look beyond the words spoken
Body language talks, be aware
Hiding behind the mask happens
Notice hope replaced with despair

Why does my life matter? Why live?
Many ask these questions every day
Reach out with empathy, a loving touch
"I'm here for you, I'm not leaving, OK?"

Humans have so much to offer in this world
We have unlimited love and learning potential
Our minds can take us to mountain tops and valleys
Taking care of our mental health is essential

Life is complex, so many paths to travel down
We may be on a dangerous road, reroute now
No one's on a pedestal; no person is better than you or me
For those dealing with mental illness, let's help somehow

"Person with mental illness"
What does that mean to you?
Can I be a leader, specialist, educator
And have that label too?

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Poetry Friday - Claws of Depression

4/1/2016

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Over the next few weeks, we will be featuring a series of poems written by Brenda McDonald, a 53 year old mother from Ontario who has lived with mental health struggles since she was 14 years old, specifically anorexia, OCD and depression.

In her poem "Claws of Depression", Brenda eloquently describes the wraths of depression and the significant impact it can take on one's sense of meaning, their relationships, and their overall function and view of oneself and the future.
​

CLAWS OF DEPRESSION
Smiling to the world around
Sadness tears her up inside
Claws of depression dig deep
Purpose and hope denied

Mary notices the wildlife scurrying all around
Feels the warmth of the sun's rays on her face
Admires wildflowers blossoming in springtime
Listens to song birds singing with such grace

But her vivacious energy has left her body
It's a struggle to get out of bed each day
Fatigue follows Mary where ever she goes
Hard to keep the negative thoughts at bay

Smiling to the world around
Sadness tears her up inside
Claws of depression dig deep
Purpose and hope denied

Mary cheers at soccer and ball hockey games
Listens, empathetic and caring, as friends share
Daily walks with her beloved dog, hiking on trails
Even sings in a choir, every song is like a prayer

But self- esteem and self -confidence are really low
Irritability and total frustration pierce through at home
Happiness and joy replaced by all- consuming loneliness
Always searching for wholeness, fulfillment... shalom

Smiling to the world around
Sadness tears her up inside
Claws of depression dig deep
Purpose and hope denied

Writing poetry is a positive creative outlet to express herself
Mindfulness helps Mary be in the moment, a healthy place to be
Chatting with others about the weather is a fun Canadian thing to do
Singing along with the radio while doing dishes, so what if she's off key!

But personal guilt consumes her as she fails to climb out of the darkness
An emptiness inside leaves Mary wondering why she should even bother
Alone and scared, she cries behind her sunglasses, hoping no one will see
Hating this feeling of helplessness, will Mary ever be strong and prosper?

Smiling to the world around
Sadness tears her up inside
Claws of depression dig deep
Purpose and hope denied


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Poetry Friday - My PTSD

3/4/2016

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In this expressive spoken word ‪poem‬, Anya Klimitchev shares her experience with ‪‎PTSD‬, and highlights the associated hyperarousal and powerful flashbacks.

" ...They seem to puncture my heart
making it so that it is impossible
to love myself or anyone else
because of my damaged stature
of insecurity and fright.


They seem to puncture my skull
making my brain forget to tell me
that where I am is not back with my father
that where I am is not back in that abuse
that where I am is not the black hole of hate
that always seemed to consume me when I was there.

They seem to puncture my soul
causing my sense of self-conscious
to be lost to the deep end
taking away my dreams and goals ..."


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